me in a nutshell

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 16:49:21 GMT

my name is paula. im insensitive to the point of hurting other people and not knowing nor caring about it. that makes me selfish human being as well. i like using the word, 'me'.

im also antagonistic and disrespectful according to my parents seeing that even though i try my best, it's never enough. to retaliate from this negative behavior, my parents, especially my mom, never fail to make it know to me that i am stupid. of course she does not say this to me directly but i can pretty much sum up what she thinks with how she acts.

im also irresponsible and a big slob. i do not like taking responsibility unless there is a reward or something in return for me. im also quite vindictive and i can't easily forgive a slight done to me. my mom pretty much makes sure that she mentions that i have no regard towards the value of anything that is given to me. take for example, the wrecked car, the dead laptop, the missing lapel mic, lost baking dish and tray, broken pie dish etc. etc. if anyone wants anything to disappear from the face of the planet, all they have to do is hand me the item and it will get lost. such is my level of irresponsibility as said by my mother. as such, it breeds my feeling that i am incapable of such level of responsibility and thus makes me incredibly stupid.

i'm pretty much capricious in all regards since i cannot make any concrete decision to save my life. i love grey areas in life since it minimalizes the need to actually be accountable for any decision i make. i love making excuses for my actions and even making excuses to get out of any kind of responsibility as well. i am perennially moody and sarcastic and can be most definitely scathingly blunt when i choose to be. i choose no target, only spewing out what i think regardless if it will hurt other people or not at the moment that i am inclined to unleashed this destructive behavior. at the same time, i am insipidly boring and have no sense of humor which leads us to the fact that i am not much of a good company. better to stay away from me since i carry the plague as well.

being a slob might be due to the fact that i am used to having people pick up after me. i leave my bathroom and bedroom in shambles every single morning and go back to it in the evening perfectly fixed. i do not bother to hang up the clothes i try on nor throw away candy wrappers lying on my desk. i abhorr washing the dishes since i dislike the greasy scum covering my hands. i know that my parents, take note, my parents, not i, are well-off and thus love exploiting them to a certain extent. well, mostly my mom since she hates me more. at least my dad can be like me, careful in hiding how one feels.

maybe not when im angry, since i can easily project how i feel without speaking. i can actually project an aura of such heated anger that people around me can feel its magnitude. i cannot hide how i feel especially when i am displeased or angry. it's just how it goes, i don't say anything but at the same time i want other people to know that i am mad at them and perhaps will cease with their annoying behavior.

i used to cut myself as well as drink enough pills to make me see all kinds of demons just because i can. maybe it's because i wanted the attention or maybe i really just wanted to die. either way, dying's the only way i can actually escape a lot of things since i am the one person i know that will rather die than actually strive for a change in her lifestyle. i have to many vices that are pretty much destructive but seeing that i am such a wuss that i cannot even type that particular vice that i cannot get rid off, that makes me a faker as well.im an escapist as well. i do not like facing problems at all. i'd much rather push them to the side and when the time comes that i have to deal with them, i'll find someone else to fix it for me.

i am equally vain and hedonistic. i am also too proud, i'm chalking it all up to being a leo. i like expensive things and splurging on items that i do not need but at the same time, i love to hoard stuff just because i can. i am particularly vain about my hands and nose seeing that they are the only spared body parts. the vainness comes from the utter insecurity that i feel since i am neither beautiful nor gorgeous; not even reaching the realm of the adjective 'pretty', i must compensate by being bitter, vindictive, and haughty. the so-called self-confidence is a facade, nothing more.

i know my weaknessess and limitations and i do not hide them anymore.

such is my story and thus i deserve all the bad things that life hurls my way.
*bow*

Chronicles of a Bad Day #1

Sat, 23 Sep 2006 06:30:05 GMT

so i thought that it would be a good thing if i started to write down all the bad things that have been happing to me lately. i mean, it's too much and i feel that it's already unnatural. it's a combined mix of emotional strain, psychological destruction, physical and intellectual exhaustion, and everything in between. i'm hoping that by putting them all down in this journal or just listing them down, i may be able to realize that they aren't SO much (but i doubt it...) or do a reverse-psychology on it. im just hoping that i can just get rid of them from my system even if just through this way. besides, ranting and complaining are a huge part of my life and bitching's fun sometimes...haha.

the past few weeks contained MANY bad days and i had already planned to make such a livejournal account but with all the hoopla going on, today's the first saturday in almost a month that i just got to stay in and rest. :)

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092206
woke up at 730am with a very weird feeling in my chest. i brushed it off saying that it was just lack of sleep, which it was since i slept at 3am to finish thesis stuff. had to rush since i had to be in school pretty early to start studying for my theo exam that afternoon. typical of me to just know about a long test the same morning, or if i'm lucky, at least 24 hours before.

i already knew that my license had already expired last september 15. realized it a couple of days back but completely forgot about it. i was going to school that day with an expired license. was that tempting fate or what? i drove extra carful going to school to avoid any accidents, drove a little bit slower as well and made sure i wore my glasses since i'm half-blind.

fast-forward that evening after the CADS' stripped concert. it was already 930pm and i told my mom that i'll be home before 10. i really wanted to go home anyway since it had been such a long day...long month actually...all because of thesis. so there, i left the concert at around 930 even though yas plead to me to stay and finish the concert since 'sayang naman daw' cause it was about to end. but i really, really, really wanted to go home and get some decent sleep.

i walked out of henry lee irwin theatre quickly cause it was raining and well, it was kindy scary since it was already dark and there weren't many people around. went inside the car feeling a bit uneasy, as if i knew something bad was going to happen. entered university drive to pass through the exit near gate 2...even remembered seeing three girls taking a picture of themselves near the blue eagle gym despite the rain and thinking how stupid of them to do that since it was dark and wet outside.

the traffic was alright, it was moving steadily since the MMDA people had to reroute the lane to the opposite side since the construction for the footbrige was ongoing. my car was already a fourth out of the gate 2 exit since the next incoming vehicle was still far (like near the footbridge opposite starbucks and jollibee) but i realized that the 10-FUCKING-wheeler truck was going really fast so i signaled him and even beep-beeped but he still went past me, denting my poor car.

it was a freaky thing, seeing the side-mirror move towards you at the impact of the huge fucking thing plowing right through your car. i can still remember the difference in size of the two vehicles when the truck went past me. i wanted to reverse the car but i already couldn't because there was a CRV behind me. i exited the gate and parked near the curb, thinking that the truck would do the same. sadly, not. the truck went past me and just drove away. i didn't even get its plate number. the thing is, i don't even think it knew that it hit me because of its size. i don't think it knew that it hit me because i, myself, didn't feel much of the impact. i just knew i got hit. =|

so there, after realizing that the truck wasn't coming back (which, according to my dad, was a good thing since if it did, i would be in jail now because of not having a valid license to use in the first place), i drove pack inside ateneo to inspect the damage. well, there, i knew it was bad when i couldn't open the car door properly. i could barely squeeze out of the door. the damage wasn't so bad, it's a big dent but no real scary damage. called my mom and told her what happened.

got home, barely got a scolding from my parents, which was a blessing. when i got hit by the truck and even after seeing the damage on my car, the feeling of being scared wasn't even present. it was as if i expected this to happen. i know that as a first time driver, it was impossible for me not to encounter such things, so i guess i was already prepared when this came. also, after thesis, i told my groupmates that i was ready to die. i think god took that as a literal invitation. =t i should have stayed and finished the concert and maybe, just maybe, i wouldn't have encountered that stupid truck.

i cried when i got my room after realizing what could have happened. it was a very scary feeling, that smallness that i felt as the truck hit the side of my car without even stopping. my dad's first question when i got home was, 'may natamaan ba sayo?' thank god, there wasn't any. it's just that the possibility of what could have happened really freaked me out. =T and i really, really should have listened to that gut feeling that something bad was going to happen and yet, this still happened. =\

so now, im learning how to claim insurance...phoooey.

The Bad Days Never Stop

me in a nutshell

Chronicles of a Bad Day #1